Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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