it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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