What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
