As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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