The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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