Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can you bring me the toilet please
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
