omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
