If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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