Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
