i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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