Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize