Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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