just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
