Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
