I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
