It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
