OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
