tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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