her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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