we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
