I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You dont lie about slip and slides
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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