the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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