I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
