my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
