Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize