Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
