from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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