My liver just broke up with me...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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