I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
