It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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