Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Vodka?
Forever.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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