So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
