I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
