I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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