That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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