yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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