I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
