come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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