my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
