So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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