Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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