We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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