my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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