I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
