peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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