Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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