i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
