An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
