do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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