I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I understand Curling. That high.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
