I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
