Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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