i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
