I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
