You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
