You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
