I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How does one acquire holy water?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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