Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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