my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
soo... how was my night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
