I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like death gave me a hand job
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
