Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
