This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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