got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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