apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
