My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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