I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
